The Miracle That Wasn't, Or Was It?

I heard a new song a couple weeks ago that Taylor Swift performed during the recent Stand Up To Cancer event. Now, I am not a Taylor Swift fan and couldn't tell you any song she has ever performed. Not because I don't like her, but just because I don't know her. It's not the genre of music I listen to on a normal basis. However, this particular song grabbed me from the very beginning. By the time she got to the third line of the song, I was already in tears and continued to cry for the remainder of the song. It is such a poignant and moving song that I listened to it over and over for about 2 hours.

This song could have easily been something I wrote myself. From what I've been able to gather, Taylor wrote this song after reading the blog of a little boy named Ronan. She also gives co-writing credits to Ronan's mom. Ronan died from neuroblastoma just 4 days before his 4th birthday & 46 days after Caleb died of DIPG. It is such a fitting song. I understand the depth of emotion in it and feel the pain of loss in every single word.

"Ronan" by Taylor Swift

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time and jumping on me waking me up
I can still feel you hold my hand, little man,
And even from the moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way
No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
And whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital grey
We'll just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
And what if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But maybe the miracle was even getting one moment with you.

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back

 When I heard the line "Race cars on the kitchen floor," I immediately remembered the picture of Caleb on the living room floor with all his cars lined up across the room. That was the line that got me started crying.

Taken March 22, 2009

But the part that really got to me was "And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through? But maybe the miracle was even getting one moment with you." We didn't get the miracle we thought we would get. We got one better than we could have ever imagined.

I have always considered Caleb to be my miracle child. I used to love messing with people's heads about it. I would say, "Caleb is my miracle baby. He was born just 5 weeks after I had a hysterectomy." Everyone would ask how that was possible and I'd say, "The miracle of adoption."

Even the way Caleb came to us was a miracle. Richard & I had tried for 7 years to get pregnant with no success. In January 2005, I finally saw a fertility specialist & had a laparoscopy done. I was told I had severe endometriosis and that my ovaries were already shutting down. My only chance of maybe getting pregnant was in vitro fertilization with donor eggs. Richard and I decided at that point we would try to adopt instead. We got so excited about the prospect of adopting that we went to a garage sale and started buying stuff for the nursery. We managed to score a crib with two mattresses, all kinds of bathing supplies, toys & filled the crib with baby clothes for $100. I should have known then that God had planned a little boy for us because the only baby clothes we got were boy clothes even though we had no idea at the time if we would adopt a boy or a girl.

In March 2005, I was speaking to the lady in charge of an outreach ministry about the preparations for the nursery. She asked if I was pregnant and I told her no and that we were planning to adopt. I asked her to let me know if she ran across a woman who was looking to make an adoption plan. She looked at me with surprise and said, "You are not going to believe this, but I have one right now!" She then said she was getting ready to go to Germany for a month, but would head straight over to see the woman and tell her about us. I knew right then that God was orchestrating something miraculous for us.

We got in touch with D and I finally met her in person on (get ready for this) March 25, 2005.  Needless to say, many more things occurred during the remaining process that confirmed what a miracle child he would be.

I firmly believe Caleb was my little miracle. The way he lived his life with such total dedication to God was absolutely amazing. The way he bravely fought the tumor that would eventually take his life was nothing less than miraculous. He taught me so much about living, laughing and loving. I am truly blessed to have been chosen to be his mom.

This Wednesday, October 10th, will mark 2 years since Caleb's diagnosis. Since this weekend has already been a bit emotional, I am asking for extra prayer to help us get through this week. I don't want to be home and I don't want to be alone. I still have occasional flashbacks of that day. 

We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden