The REAL MIRACLE

Richard posted the following on Facebook earlier today and I thought I would add it here.

What if the REAL MIRACLE was that Caleb was my son and I got to spend 5 1/2 years with him?

Just read a friends post which mentioned Caleb and started me thinking about him. Now I know this friend won't do this, but don't ever say to me "I'm sorry I made you hurt... Or think about him and cry....."

You see, to me the pain I feel is the love I have for Caleb. I am better to have loved and still love him than to have not ever known that feeling.

Which brings me back to my question. What if the REAL MIRACLE was that Caleb was my son and I got to spend 5 1/2 years with him?

Most of you have known Angela and/or I for over 7years. Which BTW will be before Caleb was born. We've prayed for 5-7 years for the chance to have a child.

We finally decided to adopt and by such miracle we met Caleb's birth mother. Of whom were still friends with today. Due to some medical condition with Angela. Shortly before Caleb was born she had to have a procedure which prohibited us from ever birthing a child. A few years down the road, we adopted again. Welcome to our world Caden.

So, I know I'm leaving a big portion of the story untold. But what if Caleb was never born? Or something happened during the pregnancy? Or? Or? Or? Or?

You see, when Caleb passed away we decided not to live the rest of OUR lives asking... WHY? But giving God the glory for providing us strength, courage, a great church & great friends. All of which helped us get through a very tuff battle.

Which reminds me of a great song we use to sing a Grace Church USA. "The Battle is not Mine, God Said it's His" Sure wish I had a copy of that song to listen to every once and a while.

What if the REAL MIRACLE was that Caleb was my son and I got to spend 5 1/2 years with him? Thank you Jesus.

The song Richard is talking about is called "The Battle Is Not Yours" by Clint Brown and is available on iTunes as part of the "It's Time to Dance" CD.

"The Battle Is Not Yours"
Clint Brown

The battle is not yours, God said it's mine
The battle is not yours, God said it's mine
If you'll set stand and see
He'll show up on time
The battle is not yours, God said it's mine.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

More Than I Can Handle?

Recently, several friends and family members have encountered tragedy of one kind or another -- death of a child/parent/spouse, a relationship ripped apart, loss of a job and/or home, etc.  One of the first things I typically see is someone telling them something we were repeatedly told throughout our journey, "Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle" (or some variation of it). And, lest anyone think otherwise, I've been guilty of saying it to others in the past. Until we went through the most severe trial/tragedy of our lives with Caleb's diagnosis, battle, and death. When I felt I had nothing to hold onto, I began scouring the Scriptures for God's promises to help. I couldn't find anywhere in Scripture where God promised never to give me more than I can handle. I found promises that I would have trials and tribulations. And I found promises that God would be with me in those trials. I think the verse people are actually trying to use is:

 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it." 
1 Corinthians 10:13

The problem with using this scripture for a reference during times of hardship is that it is not accurate. This scripture is referencing a temptation. Dictionary.com defines "tempt" as:

verb (used with object)
1. to entice or allure to do something often regarded as unwise, wrong, or immoral.
2. to attract, appeal strongly to, or invite: The offer tempts me.
3. to render strongly disposed to do something: The book tempted me to read more on the subject.
4. to put (someone) to the test in a venturesome way; provoke: to tempt one's fate.

We weren't being tempted when Caleb was diagnosed with a brain tumor. We were in complete turmoil and at the end of our strength. Our entire world was crumbling around us. Actually, the apostle Paul said very accurately what we were feeling in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (emphasis is mine):

⁸ We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. ⁹ Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.

Paul clearly states that what he was going through was more than he could handle. So much so, that he wanted to die. But he also knew why it was happening -- so he would rely on God and not himself! Eric J. Bargerhuff wrote in The Most Misused Verses in the Bible,Surprising Ways God's Word Is Misunderstood [Kindle Edition]:

So the popular notion that "God will never give us more than we can handle" is in reality a blatant falsehood - a lie. He will give us more than we can handle, and this for the express purpose of bringing us to the end of ourselves so that we realize our very life, breath, and sustaining power comes only from God all the time. Jesus clearly said, "Apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5).

He's absolutely right! The entire time we battled that tumor, we prayed for God's will to be done and for Him to be glorified, no matter the outcome. We fully relied on God. We had to. There really was no other choice for us. Our reliance on His strength and power is the only thing that sustained us through that time and still does today as we continue to mourn Caleb's loss.

Now, were there times during that battle that I wanted to give up, just walk away from everyone and everything? Yes. I was able to bear the temptation of giving up because Jesus sustained me with the ability to overcome with me continuing to rely on Him for comfort instead of shutting myself off from the world.

I read this introduction to a book I got today called, Hope in the Midst of Tragedy, by Shelley Hitz.

Have you been through difficult times in your life? If so, you are not alone. Jesus says in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Notice that He doesn't say that we might have trouble or that if we have enough faith we will escape it. He clearly states that on this side of heaven we will walk through difficult times in our lives. 

And yet we have reason to hope.

This book is my own personal journey to finding hope after a tragedy hit our family. However, I did not want this book to be my story alone. Instead, I want it to be a resource for you to find hope in the midst of your own difficulties. That is why I have added the sections that you will see through the book called, "From My Life to Yours," where I add journaling prompts and reflection questions for you to apply what you are learning to your life. I pray that God leads you to find His hope no matter what you are currently walking through.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I can't wait to get into this book! And, I think I have found a new scripture to use for anyone in the midst of a trial or tragedy - Romans 15:13. To me, it expresses the need to continue trusting in God in the midst of the circumstance while maintaining hope in Christ. It made me think about all the times during Caleb's battle that we had nothing but hope. We were at the end of our own abilities and knew that the only way we would survive was by desperately clinging to our Lord and Savior for hope, strength, comfort and mercy.

So, will God give me more than I can handle? Absolutely! And I know that He will be right there with me in the midst of it as I continue to worship and glorify Him. To Him be the glory, honor, power and dominion forever and ever!

We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

The Miracle That Wasn't, Or Was It?

I heard a new song a couple weeks ago that Taylor Swift performed during the recent Stand Up To Cancer event. Now, I am not a Taylor Swift fan and couldn't tell you any song she has ever performed. Not because I don't like her, but just because I don't know her. It's not the genre of music I listen to on a normal basis. However, this particular song grabbed me from the very beginning. By the time she got to the third line of the song, I was already in tears and continued to cry for the remainder of the song. It is such a poignant and moving song that I listened to it over and over for about 2 hours.

This song could have easily been something I wrote myself. From what I've been able to gather, Taylor wrote this song after reading the blog of a little boy named Ronan. She also gives co-writing credits to Ronan's mom. Ronan died from neuroblastoma just 4 days before his 4th birthday & 46 days after Caleb died of DIPG. It is such a fitting song. I understand the depth of emotion in it and feel the pain of loss in every single word.

"Ronan" by Taylor Swift

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time and jumping on me waking me up
I can still feel you hold my hand, little man,
And even from the moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way
No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
And whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital grey
We'll just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
And what if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But maybe the miracle was even getting one moment with you.

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back

 When I heard the line "Race cars on the kitchen floor," I immediately remembered the picture of Caleb on the living room floor with all his cars lined up across the room. That was the line that got me started crying.

Taken March 22, 2009

But the part that really got to me was "And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through? But maybe the miracle was even getting one moment with you." We didn't get the miracle we thought we would get. We got one better than we could have ever imagined.

I have always considered Caleb to be my miracle child. I used to love messing with people's heads about it. I would say, "Caleb is my miracle baby. He was born just 5 weeks after I had a hysterectomy." Everyone would ask how that was possible and I'd say, "The miracle of adoption."

Even the way Caleb came to us was a miracle. Richard & I had tried for 7 years to get pregnant with no success. In January 2005, I finally saw a fertility specialist & had a laparoscopy done. I was told I had severe endometriosis and that my ovaries were already shutting down. My only chance of maybe getting pregnant was in vitro fertilization with donor eggs. Richard and I decided at that point we would try to adopt instead. We got so excited about the prospect of adopting that we went to a garage sale and started buying stuff for the nursery. We managed to score a crib with two mattresses, all kinds of bathing supplies, toys & filled the crib with baby clothes for $100. I should have known then that God had planned a little boy for us because the only baby clothes we got were boy clothes even though we had no idea at the time if we would adopt a boy or a girl.

In March 2005, I was speaking to the lady in charge of an outreach ministry about the preparations for the nursery. She asked if I was pregnant and I told her no and that we were planning to adopt. I asked her to let me know if she ran across a woman who was looking to make an adoption plan. She looked at me with surprise and said, "You are not going to believe this, but I have one right now!" She then said she was getting ready to go to Germany for a month, but would head straight over to see the woman and tell her about us. I knew right then that God was orchestrating something miraculous for us.

We got in touch with D and I finally met her in person on (get ready for this) March 25, 2005.  Needless to say, many more things occurred during the remaining process that confirmed what a miracle child he would be.

I firmly believe Caleb was my little miracle. The way he lived his life with such total dedication to God was absolutely amazing. The way he bravely fought the tumor that would eventually take his life was nothing less than miraculous. He taught me so much about living, laughing and loving. I am truly blessed to have been chosen to be his mom.

This Wednesday, October 10th, will mark 2 years since Caleb's diagnosis. Since this weekend has already been a bit emotional, I am asking for extra prayer to help us get through this week. I don't want to be home and I don't want to be alone. I still have occasional flashbacks of that day. 

We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden