As we draw closer to Caleb's 2nd angelversary, I am finding it harder to keep my emotions in check.
When Richard was diagnosed with pneumonia, it scared me. I know how serious it can be and that people can die from it. I was terrified that I would lose him, too. Then I lost my pawpaw. I remember getting ready for work that morning & Richard walked into the kitchen where I was. He asked if I was okay and I said no and practically ran into his waiting arms. I draw such strength from him that I can't imagine not having him with me. That afternoon when I got home, he told me the doctor wanted him back for a follow-up but he hadn't gone yet. I chewed him out while crying and told him how scared I was. He went for his follow-up. He stayed home through the weekend resting as much as he could. It's taken a couple weeks, but I think he's just about 100% again.
Spring Break arrived. We had made plans to send Caden to Gma's for the week. I took him as soon as I got off work on March 7th. I spent the night and headed back on Friday. I went to this FABULOUS scrapbook shop in Corsicana called
Scrappin' Goodtime. I spent several hours there learning some new techniques and working on some scrapbook pages before heading home. That was my plan for the entire Spring Break -- scrapbooking. I got several layouts finished and a few more almost completed.
Caden was having a great time at Gma's.
And I was spending every day scrapbooking and crying off and on. Putting together pages with Caleb in them was harder than I thought it would be. I think it was mostly because of the silence. When Caden's home, there is rarely a quiet moment. That child even makes noise in his sleep! But, with him gone...
This week has been one of mixed emotions. While I am glad Caden is having a great time at Gma's house, the silence in the house is deafening. With Caleb's angelversary just two weeks away, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed at the tidal wave of emotions. The pain of missing him is crushing. The tears flow frequently while I'm alone, yet I am better when someone else is with me. I'm missing both of my boys, but in different ways. At least I know I can call Caden and talk to him on the phone.
I had more time to think about Caleb. What would he look like? Would he still be into Star Wars? How would he be doing in school? What's he doing right now? I miss him so very much.
I made it through Spring Break. This past Sunday afternoon while Caden was napping, I decided to make copies of the newspaper articles about Caleb to scrapbook. Once I started going through the chest with his things in it, I couldn't seem to stop the flood of memories and tears.
I've been going through some of Caleb's things this afternoon and just remembering. Of course, that means I'm crying off and on. Caden just woke up from his nap and climbed on the desk to be next to me. He looks at me and says, "Mommy, are you about to cry?"
"Yes, Caden, I am."
"Why, Mommy?"
"Because I miss your brother very much."
He then grabs his sleeve, pulls it towards me and says, "Mommy, if you are going to cry, you can use a little boy sleeve to wipe your eyes because it's big."
He instantly cheers me up again. Love, love, love his heart!
I managed to make it through the rest of the evening and most of Monday without incident. Then, after dinner, another reminder. Caleb used to LOVE running around the living room while I vacuumed. He called it, "making jokes with the vacuum." He would run close to where I was vacuuming then see how fast he could get away before so I wouldn't vacuum his shoes. Monday evening was the first time Caden did it. I laughed at him, loved the reminder, and held back the tears.
Tuesday was Spring Picture Day at school. I was already at work getting ready for the day to start when it hit me again that I will never have another school picture of Caleb or any other picture of him. Our family pictures will NEVER be complete. We smile for the camera, but there is still a beautiful smile that is missing.
Wednesday brought more tears. Honestly, I don't even remember what started them. I do remember Caden offering his sleeve again to wipe my tears.
Today, Caden got a cross necklace from the treasure box at school.
When we asked him why he chose it, he said, "I got it so my brother can
remember me and I can go to Heaven."
I feel like I'm falling into a dark pit. It's a place I've been before, and I don't ever want to return. It's no fun in the pit. It's hard to climb out, so the best thing for me to do is not even go there. So instead of sinking into the mire, I reached toward Heaven. I continue to lean on Christ as never before. I draw closer to Him and rely on His strength to get me through each day. I surround myself in worship and look to family and friends for much-needed hugs.
I don't know when or where memories and reminders of Caleb will happen next, but I do know what I will do when it happens. I'll be on my knees crying out to God for continued strength and peace. And, with His grace, I'll make it through Monday.
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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.
Angel, Richard & Caden
