First Day of School Blues

The majority of the schools in my area are starting again today. All day long today (and maybe even all week) will be posts about first day of school, what the kids are wearing, pictures in their cute clothes, how they like/dislike their teachers, etc. Because I have friends in several states, I've actually been seeing the back-to-school posts for almost a month already.

I understand the excitement, I really do. Although I am excited with Caden's accomplishments and starting the 4's class at pre-school next week, I can't help but think about Caleb. It's quite a bittersweet day for me.

As a bereaved mom, the first day of school is a reminder of what Caleb should be doing and isn't. He should be starting his first day of 3rd grade this year. Instead, he never got to finish Kindergarten. Because of how quickly the tumor progressed, he was only able to attend school for about seven weeks! He didn't get to experience a class party, a spring break, field day, or all the end of year craziness.

Caleb's First Day of School - August 23, 2010

He was so very excited to start school.

Totally worn out at the end of the day.

Richard and I were talking over the weekend how upsetting it is that Caleb's teachers didn't get a chance to see him at his best. He was so smart and capable of so much more than that tumor would let others see. It was already wreaking havoc in his little body by the time the first day of school started. He was struggling so hard to control his body and we didn't know. All the acting out, him not wanting me to leave his side at school, the frustration getting dressed in the mornings -- he was so scared and we didn't know.

We were very fortunate that Caleb's teachers cared and paid attention to him and to our concerns. We were already planning a trip to the doctor because of the concerns of the teachers. I was going to make a call first thing that Monday morning. He wound up in the ER the day before.

October 10, 2010. (10.10.10) A day I will NEVER forget. Our world was torn apart that day almost three years ago, and it hasn't stopped since. It abates at times, but the ache and the pain is ALWAYS there. So, please don't be surprised if my next few days are spent crying and avoiding social media.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden