August Is Different This Year

My beautiful Caleb,

August is very different this year without you. I remember going school supply shopping for you for the very first time last August. You were so excited about everything -- football practice, your 5th birthday, starting kindergarten, and even riding the bus. None of those things matter this year.

School starts on August 22nd and I have a hard time going grocery shopping right now because of all the school supplies. It's kinda silly crying over not buying school supplies, isn't it. I think most parents look forward to the day they no longer have to buy school supplies. But it's just a reminder of something else I'll never get to do with or for you again.

Another difficult thing to face right now is your upcoming birthday. I've thought about all the different things we would have done to celebrate you turning 6 on August 20th. All I know at this point is that we will be sending you a rainbow made of balloons.

Recently, I've spent a lot of time looking at pictures of you from this time last year. Now that I know what to look for, I can see the changes in you so clearly in the pictures, some as early as June. I sometimes wonder if it would have made any difference at all if we'd noticed it sooner and taken you to the doctor earlier. Then I remind myself that I can't allow myself to play the "what if" game. If I did allow it, I think I would probably fall apart.

Of course, the downside of that is that I am more hyper-vigilant with Caden now. I worry more every time he says his head or stomach hurts. I wonder if something is seriously wrong with him and I want to rush him to the doctor and beg for scans to be done. I'm so afraid that I will "blow-off" something that ends up being serious like I did with you. Usually, I manage to step back and look objectively at the situation.

The upside is that I am praying more than ever before. I trust and rely on God's word hourly. I seek His wisdom and guidance whenever I sense myself about to enter "super worry wart" mode. I know He will guide my steps and let me know what needs to be done. I have to stop second-guessing that still, small voice and know He is leading me in everything I do.

Though I cry frequently still thinking more of things that will never be, the time will come when I remember with a smile the things we did together. God's word is true. And, God has gently reminded me time and time again of His everlasting truth:

...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Ps 30.5 NKJ)

And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4.19 AMP)

The amazing part of these verses is that it gives me comfort on two levels.

1. I know that He is taking care of everything you could possibly need in Heaven. You are loved, cared for and happy. You have no more tears of pain or discomfort. Your life is eternally joyful.
2. I also know that this applies to me here. God comforts me and holds me close as I mourn the loss of your physical presence. And, He sends the right people to me at just the right time with just the right thing to say or to give me a huge hug just when I need it most.

Though there are things on Earth I will never get to experience with you, I look forward to the day you can share all your experiences in Heaven with me. Earthly experiences pale in comparison to what we will have together in Heaven one day.

I miss you so very much, Caleb.You are always loved -- to infinity and beyond.
Mommy

Loved to Infinity and Beyond

Caleb,
As I was drifting off to sleep last night, thoughts of you filled my mind. I was remembering you and it seemed as though your entire life flashed before my eyes. When I awoke this morning, I wrote down these words.

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Loved to Infinity and Beyond

I was in the room as you came out of her womb and breathed for the first time
I severed the cord between you and her; then knew that you were mine
You were handed to me and as I held you tightly in my grasp
The love inside began to grow as I thought, "My child, at last."

I watched you grow, I helped you play, I taught you how to speak
Each day with you was a miracle as was the love that we would keep.

You were told of God's great love for you and how Jesus gave His life
You accepted Him within your heart and gave to Him your life
You loved to laugh, you loved to smile, you even loved to sing
Your favorite songs were worship songs and you gladly praised our King.

When you turned five, things started to change; something was not right
You were hurting, your smile was off, and you were not sleeping tight.

It all changed in an instant, we couldn't believe the things that we had heard
In the blink of an eye, our lives turned upside down based on a single word
You were so quiet, so very still as you lay sleeping on the bed
The doctors confirmed it was a tumor that was inside your head.

We started a journey we didn't want and thought we'd never have to take
"My child is sick, may even die" and my heart began to break.

Doctors, hospitals, and MRIs -- those became our "new norm"
This wasn't what I pictured on the day that you were born
You hurt so much and I couldn't imagine being in such pain
Yet you bore it all, you were so brave, and you would not complain.

Just five short months from diagnosis, you grew so very weak
You couldn't walk, you barely ate, you couldn't even speak.

The night before you passed away, you looked into my eyes
You told me that you loved me and I think you realized
You'd never speak to us again, you'd never even wake
Then you drifted off to sleep with a smile upon your face.

Your breathing became labored, it would soon be time for death
I held you closely in my arms as you breathed your final breath.

I miss you more than ever, but rejoice because I know
We'll meet again in Heaven, God said it would be so
Oh, the joys and wonders and the things there'll be to see
When together again in Heaven, we finally will be.

I love you, dearest Caleb, you are always in my heart
Loved to infinity and beyond just like in the start.

Angela Huffines
July 26, 2011
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Caleb, I will love and miss you as long as I draw breath within me -- until we are reunited in Heaven. Continue to praise our Lord and King. Sing so loud that I can hear you from here, sweet boy.

I love you to infinity and beyond,
Mommy

"Mommy, I miss Bubba so much..."

Dearest Caleb,

Caden has really been missing you these past few weeks. At least once a day, he gets this really sad look on his face and says, "Mommy, I miss Bubba so much."

We went to McD's recently and actually ate inside instead of just going through the drive thru. I'd been avoiding the play area because I'm still not up to handling that yet. However, Caden wanted to play. So, your dad took him to the play area and I stayed in the other section of the restaurant. Caden is finally big enough to climb in the play area by himself. He made it all the way to the top and never got scared. Daddy said Caden had a good time.

Sunday, we went to Little Elm Park as a family for the first time in a few months. CrossRidge was having an ice cream social. As I watched Caden play, all I could think of was how much fun you had the last time you were there. It was one of the few days you were feeling really well. I can still see your smiling face on the equipment as Daddy took your picture. Thankfully, there were a lot of people there and I managed to make it through without breaking down. I met a lady there who was a sub at ELC last year. She told me that the blog really helped her get through her father's death recently. I'm so grateful that God is still using you, me and the blog to help others.

We were listening to the radio today and your favorite Matthew West song (The Motions) came on. Caden came running into the office where I was and hollered, "That's Bubba's song!" He's watched your celebration video so many times that he can just about sing it now, too.

Tonight as we were finishing dinner, he looked at your picture on the fridge and said, "That's MY Caleb." I think it's the first time I've heard him actually say your name instead of just saying, "Bubba."

I just wanted to let you know that you are still missed daily by so many people. You have impacted the lives of people that we may never meet until we join you in Heaven. Thank you, for letting your love for God shine so brightly while you were here.

Always and forever loved,
Mommy

Baby Mine

My Beautiful Caleb,

Tonight, I went to change your brother before I went to bed, and discovered he had soaked through his diaper already. With Daddy's help, we got him and his bedding changed. When we put him back in the bed, he started crying. I figured he would calm down fairly quickly so I left the room. He went from crying to screaming and crying. I decided I didn't want him to get more worked up, so I carried him into the living room to hold and rock him for a bit. I automatically began singing "Baby Mine" to calm him down. I didn't even make past the first line before I started crying. Since it seemed to be working to calm him down, I kept going. It's the first time I've sung that song since I sang it to you the day you died. I began to picture all the times I sang it to you over the years and how much you loved it. I could hear you saying, "Mommy, sing Baby Mine" when you were upset or hurting. I could almost hear your sweet voice singing it with me.

I struggled through the rest of the song, but I finished it. By the time I did, tears were freely flowing down my face. Caden looked up at me with innocence on his face and asked, "Mommy, are you okay?" I didn't quite know what to say. I told him I was okay and that I loved him very, very much. He then glanced over at the digital frame and said, "Mommy, look! It's Bubba." I just held him tighter and cried some more while kissing his little forehead. We miss you so much.

The last line of Baby Mine says, "But you're so precious to me, sweet as can be, baby of mine." that is exactly how I feel about both of you boys. I can't imagine how different my life would have been if you had never been a part of it.

I love you, baby mine,
Mommy

Happy 4th of July, Caleb!

Dearest Caleb,

It's hard to believe it's been over 3 months since you left us. I find myself doing whatever I can to stay busy so I don't have much time to dwell on the lack of your presence.

We've made it through another holiday without you. Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, and now Independence Day are just not the same this year. Your dad and I will have our annual viewing of Independence Day this evening after Caden goes to bed. We would have waited that late if you were here since it the aliens kinda scared you last year. I don't think I'm up to watching the fireworks this year. You enjoyed them so much and that's all I would think about this time. I hope you enjoy all the fireworks tonight. I'm sure you'll have the best seat in the house!

Caden and I went to Sea World in San Antonio a few weeks ago. He got to have breakfast with Elmo and the other Sesame Street characters. I wish you could have seen the sheer joy on his face as he ran around the room to hug them all. He also loved watching the Shamu show. We fed the dolphins and enjoyed the rest of the shows and exhibits. The only time I had any trouble was going into the penguin house. Knowing how much you loved penguins and wishing you could see them was a little more than I could handle and I walked out.

Grandma and Grandpop were here last weekend. Grandpop wanted to take Caden to see Cars 2. It was Caden's first time at a movie theater. He did so well. It was amazing watching his eyes as big as saucers and his mouth dropped open in wonder at the size of the screen. He thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Now that I know he can handle it, we'll probably go see some during the day when it's not crowded.

I love you to infinity and beyond,
Mommy

Gone, but NEVER forgotten

Caleb,

Things are going okay here. Each day gets a little easier than the day before. I still miss you like crazy, but I'm coping with it better. And then something will happen that gets me crying again.

Monday morning it was the flyer left on our door about the upcoming vacation Bible school at CrossRidge. This was the first year  you were old enough to attend. I just knew that you would love it because of how much you love Jesus. After I had a good cry for about 15 minutes, I realized that you are in Eternal Heaven School, which is soooo much better because you are learning directly from the Master Himself! Your knowledge increased exponentially overnight! You know more than I do now. Praise God for His faithfulness and everlasting love!!!

Then on Wednesday, your monthly Highlights magazine came in the mail. And the tears started again. I realized that every month I got that silly magazine was another month you were gone, and I just couldn't bear the thought. I almost tore it into pieces. Instead, I calmed myself down then called the magazine to have it cancelled. As much as I love that magazine too, I just can't handle having the physical monthly reminder right now.

Caden's been asking about you more lately. He went to Gma's & Pawpaw Ron's a couple weeks ago for the weekend. We got there Wednesday night. First thing Thursday morning, he started asking where you were and got quite upset when he couldn't find you. I guess he thought you've been there all this time since he'd been spending so much time there when you were sick. It took a while to get him calmed down and reminded that you live with Jesus in Heaven now and are always in our hearts.

As I'm writing this, I'm crying again. Caden just came in and asked if I'm okay. I told him how much I miss you and he says he misses you too. Then he grabbed a tissue and wiped the tears from my eyes and kissed my cheeks. I couldn't help but smile as I hear him say, "It's okay, Momma." I remember you saying the same thing every time you saw me cry.

I don't want you to think that all I do is sit around and cry all the time, because I don't. I laugh when I see certain pictures. I hear songs you used to sing and in my mind I hear the words you would make up when you couldn't remember what the words were supposed to be.  There are even times that I am so wrapped up in something that's going on that I don't think about you at all.  I'm not saying that I've forgotten you, because that will never happen. I'm just saying that it gets easier to go on without you here.

I know I don't have to worry about you any longer. You are in the hands of the greatest Father ever! As much as I would like to think you are worrying about me, I know you aren't. We taught you about God's love for us and you have first-hand knowledge of it now. You know that He is holding onto us as we hold onto Him during this time. We are not suffering. We are saddened that you are not here with us. We had great hopes for your future here on earth, but our greatest hope for you has already been realized -- that you would love God with all your heart for all the days of your life.

Thank you for teaching us that it can be done. That, even in times of adversity, God is still with us. We love you so very much. You may be gone from our physical presence, but you are NEVER forgotten!

I love you to infinity and beyond,
Mommy

Gone from us for 10 weeks today

My sweet, sweet Caleb,

I know it's been a couple weeks since I've written, but it's just so hard to put into words what I'm thinking and feeling.  I do okay most days and then I sit down to write to you and the tears flow freely. I can't seem to control them. I'm not sure I really want to control them yet.

At 11:15 p.m. tonight, you will have been gone from us for exactly 10 weeks. It's hard to believe it's been only 10 weeks. It seems like so much longer. Then again, it seems like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms when you breathed your last breath. My arms ache when I think of the times I held you. They feel so empty. Your memory surrounds my every waking moment. You are constantly in my dreams. I long to see your beautiful face and hear you say you love me just one more time. I keep thinking that will be enough, but somehow I know it won't.

I still wonder frequently what you are experiencing now. What joys are you beholding in the presence of pure love? What is it like to walk and talk with Jesus face-to-face? To never be in pain again? Do you think of us often or are the wonders of Heaven more than enough?

I love you so very much and I know that my love doesn't even begin to compare to the love you now know. I believe your dad and I did the best we could to raise you the best way we knew how. I know there are times that I blew it, but I hope you know how much you mean to us and how very special you were and still are.

I love you to infinity and beyond,
Mommy