Prayers Needed ...

As we are nearing Caleb's one year "angelversary," things are getting tough for us. We are remembering more of the things we were going through at this time last year, the increased medical issues, the appointments with doctors & specialists, and the tough talks we had to have. I remember the frustration of not being able to stop what was happening to Caleb. But at least I KNEW what was wrong with him.

Can you imagine being in the hospital for 4 days with your precious child and having the doctors tell you that they don't know what's wrong with your child? Well, that's exactly what is happening to a co-worker of mine. So tonight, I am asking for prayers from all my friends, family and blog followers.

Nory Mae, a beautiful 2 1/2 year old classmate of Caden's, was admitted to the hospital on Thursday night with a high fever that has been going on for a couple of weeks. Doctors still have not been able to find the underlying issue causing the problems in her little body.

So, I am asking for prayers for guidance & wisdom for her medical team, a quick diagnosis, fast and easy treatment, and complete healing for Nory Mae.

Nory Mae and her family need our prayers right now. Please take a moment to intercede on their behalf.

Thank you.

We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

God, You Are Faithful

Where do I start? We made it through our first Christmas and New Year without Caleb. It wasn't easy, but we did it. My mom and dad came up to spend Christmas with us. Dad had to head back right after Christmas, but Mom stayed until after my birthday, then headed home on Dec. 30th.

We drove down to my MIL's for Christmas Eve. It was hard being around so many people without Caleb there, but I felt him near. We were given a beautiful memorial book of Caleb made by my SIL with pictures she had taken from Caleb's last day through the Celebration of Life service the next weekend. It is proudly displayed over our fireplace. Thanks again, Pam, it is fabulous!

January 2012 has brought many changes to our family. Richard's job ended at the end of December, so he's job hunting now. I started working at the Early Learning Center that Caden goes to on Tuesdays & Thursdays teaching a room full of 3-year olds. What was I thinking!?!? Actually, I'm having a great time and I LOVE the people I work with and the kiddos in my class.

Since we changed churches back in November, I haven't really been singing. We've now officially joined our new church (CrossRidge Church) and I've decided to jump back into serving again. I auditioned for the praise team and have started attending rehearsals. I'm looking forward to being able to help draw people into God's presence.  The first rehearsal I attended, we were going over a song called "Never Once" by Matt Redman. I was really focused on learning the song at the time and didn't have a chance to really let the words sink in. As we sang the song on Sunday morning, I really took a look at the lyrics and realized the truth in it. Never once did we EVER walk alone during Caleb's battle. God was with us every step of the way. We can clearly see how much He's done for us during that battle. We know that every victory was His power in us. It's what allowed us to continue. We have scars, we still struggle, but we can truly say with joy in our hearts that God is Faithful!

I know that some of you reading the blog are going through intense times in your lives right now. Things around you seem to be spiraling out of control. I pray you are comforted by the knowledge that God is faithful and is right there with you. I've attached the song here.


Never Once - Matt Redman (Worship with Lyrics)


If you live in the Little Elm area and do not have a church home, I'd like to invite you to worship with us at CrossRidge Church. One of the many things that drew us to CRC was how much they reached out to us during the darkest time of our life without asking for anything in return. They loved on us, prayed for us, cooked for us, and stood beside us even though we didn't even attend their church! They LOVE to serve their community and it shows in everything they do. I am so pleased to be a part of CRC.

We miss Caleb every moment of every day. Caleb is always in our hearts and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.
Angel, Richard and Caden

Ramblings From A Broken Heart

Our first Christmas without Caleb is approaching and I'm struggling more as the day draws near. I feel so conflicted with the myriad of emotions twisting and turning inside me. I am joyful that he is spending his first Christmas in Heaven. I am grieved because I selfishly want him here with me. I'm angry that cancer stole his life from us so quickly. I feel guilty because I keep wondering if I hadn't blown off some of the things I'd noticed earlier in the year, would he have had a better chance of survival or at least of living a few more months. I struggle with our decision to even treat the tumor because the steroids changed him from my sweet, loving, happy boy into a sullen, angry, hateful, "starving" boy I didn't even recognize. Could he have had a happier final 5 1/2 months if he weren't on so many drugs and going through so many procedures? How many things would I have said, "Yes" to instead of "No" if I'd known it would be his last chance? Why did we even bother with the two surgeries in January when he was gone two short months later? Of course, no matter how many questions I have, I will never know the answers.

I wonder sometimes how I am able to have so many days where I hardly think of him at all. Then there are days when I am crushed with grief and can barely breathe.

Every Christmas since Richard & I got married, we've purchased a new ornament for our tree with the year on it and most of the time a significant event commemorating that year. Several years in a row we bought the Make-A-Wish ornament, never realizing that one day we would be a family receiving from that organization. Last year's ornament was a heart with a snowflake on it that we had engraved with "Faith, Hope & Love." Since we never put up a tree last year due to travel, this is it's first year on the tree. Even though about 1/4 of the ornaments on our tree were made by Caleb, those weren't the ornaments that made me cry. The one that got me was the 2009 ornament we got that had a space to put a family picture in it. I realized at that moment that we'd procrastinated too long on getting a family picture done and any future family pictures would always be without Caleb. This year's ornament is a remembrance ornament that has his name, date of birth, date of death & "Loved to Infinity & Beyond" engraved on it. There is a place for his picture in that one, but it just isn't the same.

We never lose the ones we love - they live on in our hearts.

Caden just turned 3 and has recently begun telling us at least once a day that he misses his brother. He's started having night terrors and is acting out. I just don't know how to handle his grief on top of my own other than to say it's okay to be sad and we can also be happy when we remember fun things we did with Caleb.

And, if it wasn't bad enough that we've lost Caleb this year (with all the things that come with that), Richard's dad passed away 2 months after Caleb (unexpected trip from Dallas to south Florida), our A/C went out, the hot water heater broke & had to be replaced, 2 major water leaks, over $5k in vehicle repairs since both of our vehicles are over 10 years old - the truck looks like it may have to be replaced soon, Richard's job ends Dec 31, and my BFF's husband died the week before Thanksgiving from colon cancer (just a few months after diagnosis). So, Merry Christmas to us, right? When is it going to stop? I've had enough already.

I really just want to bury my head under the covers with some sleeping pills and not wake up until January. Notice I said "I want to" and not "I'm going to." I will keep going and will make it through each day just as I have for the past 14 months -- with the help of Jesus. Just to reassure everyone, I'm NOT going to do anything stupid. I have too much to live for and too many things left to accomplish.

I've kept up with the blog since Caleb was diagnosed. In the beginning, there were lots of comments from people all over the world and it was comforting to know people were praying for us. When he died, the outpouring of love was tremendous. But as the months have passed, the notes drop off, the comments stop, all is quiet. Life goes on around us and we are being pulled along for the ride. Babies are born, friends move on, people change. I'm slowly adjusting to life without Caleb, but it would be nice to hear that people are still thinking of us once in a while -- to know we are not alone. I know we're not alone, but sometimes it sure can feel like it. It's hard for others to understand what we're going through because they haven't been there. They can't see that not only is my heart broken over Caleb's death, but there is also a piece of my heart that will forever be gone & will never totally heal. They don't understand the fear I battle every time Caden says his head hurts or a new bruise shows up & I don't know how it got there.

Okay, I've had my "David" moment of totally exposing my pain for all to see, now it's time for the up side. I know that God is holding me close or there is no way I would be in as good a shape as I am. I continue to lean on His strength, grace, comfort & mercy to uphold me. I long to be in the physical presence of my Lord to celebrate His birth with him and Caleb gets to do that now!

I know that God is still in control, still on the throne, and still worthy of all my praise, adoration & worship. He can handle my ramblings. He can heal my heart. He has not abandoned me in my time of grief. He guides my path.  And I love Him more with each day that passes.

Caleb is always in our hearts and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.
Angel, Richard & Caden

The Holidays Have Begun

Wow! It's so hard to believe that Thanksgiving has come and gone already. There are days that seem to drag by in extreme slow motion, like I'm trapped in a time dilation field. Other days fly by so quickly, I wonder what happened.

This past couple of weeks has seemed to fly by. We took a mini-vacation from Nov. 16 - 20. We drove down to Florida to visit my Nana, who turned 90 on the 19th. It was our first major road trip without Caleb. It was so strange not hearing him in the back seat. He would make funny faces and send Caden into fits of laughter, which, of course, caused us to laugh as well.  This time, we used a DVD player to keep Caden occupied. We also drove at night as much as we could, so he would sleep through most of the drive time. What was originally planned as a 20 hour trip down turned into 29 hours from the time we left the house until we checked in at the hotel. That wasn't all driving time, thank goodness. We stopped at Mom & Dad's house to pick them up and stayed there for about an hour. We had several gas and bathroom breaks and stopped for a couple hours in Wildwood, Florida.

Dad wanted to go to 75 Chrome Shop in Wildwood to pick up something for his truck. While we were there, I noticed several custom mirrored tags. I got to wondering if they could make a Team Caleb tag for me. I borrowed Mom's Team Caleb tote bag & headed to the back of the shop to talk to Mike. After looking at the tote bag, it was determined that a Team Caleb tag could be made, but it wouldn't look exactly like the original logo. Mike made up a draft for us & it looked fantastic! As soon as Mom found out what we were doing, she decided she wanted one for herself. Mike told us it would take about 30 minutes for each tag, so we went to breakfast. When we got back to the shop, Mike was almost done with the tags. We asked if he could save the template, because we figured that some of our friends and family might want one once they saw it. He gave us a few business cards and said to have them ask for the "Team Caleb" custom mirrored tag. It cost about $35 and was well worth every penny!

I have yet to be able to take a picture that does this justice!

After we left 75 Chrome Shop, we headed down to Vero Beach, FL. Caden couldn't wait to go to the beach, but it was dark when we arrived. On Friday morning, we got dressed to go to the beach. It was Caden's first time seeing the ocean and playing on a REAL beach. (Sorry, Little Elm, but I don't consider the man-made beach on the lake at the park to be a real beach.) We drove down to Jensen Beach so I could meet a friend (Misty) from near West Palm Beach. When we got out of the van in Jensen Beach, it was sprinkling, very windy & did NOT feel like the 74 degrees the weather channel said it was supposed to be!!!!!

We ate lunch at Subway, then headed across the street to the park & beach. As we walked toward the water, we already knew we would not let Caden in the water because of how cold it was, and the red flag on the lifeguard station confirmed our decision. Standing at the top of the sand dune, we watched 8 - 10 foot swells roaring towards the shore. The wind was blowing so fiercely that sand hitting our bare legs felt like tiny needles piercing our skin. Caden immediately hid behind me. There was no way he was sitting on the beach to play there, so we headed to the other side of the sand dune and let it block the wind for us. He sat and happily played on the beach for almost an hour.

We got back home around 2am on the 21st. We washed everything and repacked in anticipation of heading to Gma's house for Thanksgiving weekend. We drove down Wednesday night, had a wonderful Thanksgiving lunch with family and enjoyed watching all the cousins interacting with each other.

Black Friday brought a wide range of emotions. I wasn't really into all the shopping and would much rather have not gone out at all. However, we decided to have an impromptu birthday party for Caden (11/27) and Emmanuel (12/10) that day. I think the plan was to help keep my mind off the fact that Friday, November 25, 2011, marked exactly 8 months that Caleb's been gone. It helped a little, but I couldn't help thinking about it. Especially since Caden has discovered Toy Story and the whole Buzz Lightyear "To Infinity & Beyond" phrase. When Caden first started repeating it, he'd say, "Buzz Lightyear, 1, 2, 3 & beyond!" He didn't quite understand the words until I told him. Of course, each time he said, "1, 2, 3 & beyond" he was leaping onto or off of something. I caught him standing on a bar stool and leaping OVER the couch one time. My heart jumped right into my throat!!! As soon as he safely landed, I informed him of the negative consequences of doing that again.

We decided on a Toy Story theme for the boys and off we went to brave the crowds at Wal-Mart. I managed to snag the last Buzz Lightyear they had on the shelf for Caden & picked up a mini-RC with Woody for Emman. They LOVED their gifts. Caden has barely set Buzz down since he got it. He wants Buzz to sleep with him, go to the bathroom with him, go in the van with us every time we leave, etc. If he only knew how much I want to cry every time I hear him say "To infinity and beyond."  I'm getting better because I know it's not fair to deny him something he likes just because it's hard for me. I laugh and smile with him as he plays.

We had a very quiet celebration after church on Sunday for Caden's 3rd birthday -- just Richard, Caden and me. We watched some football, took naps, played with toys and went to bed. Today was Caden's well-child visit. He's right on target for both height & weight (50th percentile). Doc seems impressed with Caden's vocabulary and the number of words he knows. Our only concerns are Caden's allergies (which we knew he would probably have based on family history), he's still banging his head when tired and we're now dealing with night terrors again. He had them as an infant and they had gone away. We think they are back because of grief. Caden mentions at least once a day how much he misses his brother & that he's sad. The good news is that Caden doesn't even remember them. The bad news is the night terrors really freak Mommy out when there's nothing I can do to keep it from happening or to stop them. All I can do is try to keep him from hurting himself during it.

I've decided to try my hand at blogging in a different direction thanks to my friend, Staci. I'll keep this blog for updates on family stuff and have started a new blog for my new blogging venture. Check it out --  Always In His Heart



Caleb is always in our hearts and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.
Angel, Richard & Caden

Peace in the midst of the tempest...

I was talking to Richard the other day and mentioned how amazed I am at the sense of peace that we have had these past few months. I've been following several other DIPG families as they fight for their childrens' lives. Some are still fighting and some have passed into eternity. It somehow seems strange to me that we don't seem to be struggling with the depth of grief that some of them are. Some are lashing out at God and those around them. Some are struggling with guilt over things they said and did. A few are almost paralyzed with grief and fear that the same thing may happen to their other children. I have only seen or read about a couple whose experience seems to mirror our own and it is very evident in their writings that they (like us) have a very deep, abiding, loving relationship with Jesus Christ.

One of the mom's (Bonny Dales) wrote:

The gap that Roan has left behind is sometimes too hard to bridge, all we can do is pray for healing, strength and a continued faith that God has not let us fall and will continue to hold us in the years to come. This is a life sentence, although I could understand how some parents may see it as a death sentence. It is a choice we make - to get up everyday, to choose to see the world in a good way, to choose gratefulness over bitterness or jealously.

Now, I'm not implying that any of the others do not have a relationship with Christ or even knocking the stage or level of grief they are experiencing. I know that everyone grieves in different ways, at different stages & at different times. I would never dare presume that I am doing anything any better or worse than another grieving parent. However, I am humbled and amazed at the strength we have been given through Christ.

Philippians 4:13 (Amplified)
I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

I draw on that strength on a moment by moment basis. There are times that I feel overwhelmed and wonder how I can face the day. Then I think about what Caleb endured during those long 5 1/2 months of treatment (and even the few months before diagnosis) and realize that I have to shake off the despair that seems to overshadow me because he would not want to see me like that. Every time he saw me cry, he would reach over, give me a hug, wipe the tears from my eyes and say, "It's okay, Mommy. I'm here. You're going to be okay." His love was apparent in everything he said and did, but was still just a shadow of the love of Christ. I know that Christ holds me in His arms and whispers, "It's okay, Angel. I'm here. You're going to be okay."

When Caleb was first diagnosed, Richard and I determined that no matter what happened, we wanted God to be glorified in all of it. We made a conscious decision that we would not walk in guilt or regret over things we did or said before his diagnosis or even things we didn't do. We chose to rejoice in the Lord and turn our cares over to Him. We praised Him for the small and the large things. I can honestly say that we were even able to praise Him when Caleb passed away, because we know that Caleb is in the presence of God and is no longer in pain. We thanked Him for everything -- the staff we interacted with, the other families we met, for Caleb's complete and total healing. We sought after God with our entire being because we couldn't imagine going through that storm without Him.

Philippians 4:4-8 (Amplified)
4 Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice!
5 Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon].
6 Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.
7 And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
8 For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

We have come to more fully understand the peace Paul talks about in his letter to the Philippians. It's so very hard to describe it, but very tangible to us. We choose daily to think on positive things to keep us close to the presence of Jesus.

That doesn't mean that we don't have times where we totally lose it. For instance, today marks exactly 7 months since Caleb passed, so it's a bit of an emotional day already and I've been trying to keep myself occupied. In today's mail was a letter addressed to Caleb from the dentist reminding him that his dental check-up is "now several months overdue." I started to cry and then got angry at the dental office for sending that stupid letter. I thought to myself, "That's because he's been dead for 7 months as of today. I've told you several times that he's dead and asked that he be removed from your system. What more do you want -- a copy of his death certificate?" I allowed myself to rage for a couple of minutes then turned it over to God. I sought refuge in my Savior's arms. I told Him how much it hurts to receive mail for Caleb from people who already know he's gone. It's difficult enough from people who don't know, but it's a little worse from people who do. I took the letter to their office, spoke gently to the office manager and again requested that we not receive any more mail for Caleb. I teared up again, but remained calm. She apologized, took care of the situation, and I left. 

There have been times when I'm alone that I cry out to God.  "I don't understand why this had to happen. I want my baby back. What is Your plan to make something good from this?" I'm not mad at God, but the situation and still I yell. I cry. I scream. I know God can handle it. He knows my pain better than I do. He has experienced loss on a much greater scale than I can ever imagine. I let Him calm me down and give me peace in the midst of the tempest. And I know that whenever I need Him to do so, He always will.

Caleb is always in our hearts and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

Our first "One Year Mark" -- Diagnosis

The day started off normally enough. We woke up a little late and were running around trying to get ready for church. We had to be there early because Richard was ushering that morning, but I was not scheduled to sing. I had already pulled Caleb's clothes out for him and told him to get dressed. I was getting Caden dressed and fussing at Caleb for taking his time getting dressed. He had been taking a long time to get dressed for a couple of weeks and we would fight about it every single morning. He kept saying, "I can't do it." I knew that he knew how to get dressed and thought he was just being difficult. I hollered at him from the other room, "Get dressed NOW! You know how to do this."

"But, Mommy, I can't," he whined. That blasted whining was getting on my last nerve.

We finally got everyone ready to go and headed off to church. By the time we got there, I was already feeling frazzled and needed to calm down. One of the ladies there could tell I needed a little time and offered to take the boys to another room and play with them for a while. I welcomed the offer.

Around 9:45am, I went to get Caleb to take him to his classroom. Berry asked, "Caleb's right-handed, isn't he?"

"Yes."

"Well, he hasn't been using his right hand all morning. He's been using his left hand to do everything and his right hand is just hanging limp at his side."

I said I'd check into it and helped him up. When I touched his right hand, it felt like ice. I reached over to check his left hand and it was warm to touch. I led him towards his classroom and noticed he was having extreme difficulty walking. It was as if he was using pure momentum to propel his right leg forward. It swung awkwardly around as he walked. He was slurring his words when talking and had this glazed look in his eyes. The right side of his mouth was hanging down somewhat and he was drooling a little. I started getting very concerned that something serious was wrong.

I went over to Richard and said, "Honey, I don't think we can wait until tomorrow to take him to the doctor. I'm calling the pediatrician now."

I stepped outside with Caleb & called our pediatrician. After the answering service connected us, I began telling Dr. P. what was going on with Caleb. After I described his symptoms, Dr. P. said, "Stop what you're doing right now and take him to Children's in Plano immediately. I want him there because if they need any scans, Children's is equipped to handle it."

I knew at that point that something was truly wrong. My heart started pounding wildly inside my chest and my stomach constricted. I began to cry, rushed inside to Richard, told him what the doctor said and that we needed to leave immediately for the emergency room. I got Caden from his classroom while Richard slipped inside the sanctuary to tell Pastor where we were going & why.

As we drove to the ER, Caleb was getting very upset in the backseat. He started yelling, "I hate you. You're the meanest parents EVER! I want out of this seat NOW!!!" He wasn't acting normally at all. Our sweet little boy had turned into this raging, screaming, angry child that we didn't recognize. Richard and I started guessing what could be wrong with him. We guessed several things, but weren't even close.

When we got to the ER, we took him inside and began the check-in process. As I was explaining his symptoms, a nurse was walking by the door. She backed up and said, "Say that again." I did and she said, "Come with me right now."

We walked through a full waiting room and went straight back to a room. I know that they take cases out of order based on the seriousness of the condition and I tried desperately not to panic. Within two minutes there was a doctor in the room with us and it was all I could do not to cry in front of Caleb. I didn't want to frighten him, but I knew having a doctor with us that quickly was not a good sign. She asked him his name and he slurred out, "Caleb." She then said, "Hi, Caleb. We're going to play a game now. Can you hold your arms out in front of you like this and pretend to fly like Superman?" He held his arms out and the right one was slightly lower than the left. She then said, "That's great. Now close your eyes." The moment his eyes closed, his right arm fell. She next had him stand up and try to walk along a line on the floor. He couldn't do it. She turned to the nurse and ordered an immediate CT scan.

Caden began fussing so I took him out to the waiting area to feed him. Caleb was already hungry, but they wouldn't let him eat and I didn't want to make it worse by feeding Caden in front of him. Caleb was taken for his scan and shortly thereafter Richard came to get me from the waiting area.

As I walked back down the hallway with Caden, I noticed an ambulance crew hanging out near Caleb's room. I remember saying a quick prayer for the child they were there for. When we went inside, the doctor asked us to sit down. She said, "The CT scan shows a mass near the base of his brain stem. We don't know what it is."

"Is it cancer?" we asked.

"I don't know. All I can tell you with certainty is that something is there. They'll run more detailed scans downtown. We don't have the people on hand right now to do an MRI. We're going to transfer you downtown. The ambulance crew is already getting things set up. One of you can ride with him."

I knew I wouldn't be able to drive downtown and asked if I could ride with him. Richard said okay, grabbed Caden and told us he'd meet us there. He called his mom again to update her and she said they were already on their way towards Dallas.

Then the ambulance crew I had seen outside Caleb's room brought the gurney into our room. I managed to hold it together until Caleb was settled in the ambulance. As he watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the ride downtown, I broke down in the front seat.

I thought we would be going to the ER downtown and was surprised when they took us straight upstairs to the Neurosurgery floor. I could barely breathe at this point and was numb. I'm pretty sure Richard was feeling the same way.

Not long after we were admitted to the hospital, one of the neurosurgeons walked in. He told us that because of the location of the mass, there was no way he could operate on it. It was located inside Caleb's brain stem and to even attempt to operate could kill Caleb outright. I tried to comprehend what was going on and felt like the world was spinning around me. I couldn't stand up. He then told us that after the MRI, we would be transferred to the oncology floor and the oncology team would meet with us to determine next steps.

Our nightmare began that day and hasn't stopped yet. It's been exactly one year since Caleb was diagnosed and 6 months/15 days since he died from DIPG. Those two dates -- 10.10.10 and 03.25.11 -- will forever be etched in my mind as the days my world crumbled. I still miss him every day.

Caleb is always in our hearts and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden


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Another DIPG angel's mom wrote this on her blog recently & I thought it very poignant & true:

Tragedy does not wait for permission to enter our lives, it's an unwanted guest and you never know when it may arrive - So appreciate all the moments that are devoid of tragedy- cherish them, capture them and hold them close. My prayer for today is that tragedy stays at bay, that you all have a blessed and happy day and that you take a moment to look up.

A Lasting Impact

Our friends' 11 year old daughter, Enya, had a school assignment to write a paper on a real event in life that made a lasting impact on her and she wrote about Caleb. With their permission, here is her paper.

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Caleb's Last Christmas
by: Enya McDonald


Have you ever heard one of those heart-breaking stories of a young child dying of cancer? Well, I've lived one of those stories, his name was Caleb.

Caleb was a normal boy, adopted as a baby, played football, had a little brother. That all ended when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Caleb was a lucky boy, in a way, he had a family that never gave up on his fight for life. His last Christmas was spent with family and close friends. I saw him last at the Scherer's annual Christmas Party.

It was Christmas Eve, as it is every year, I was feeling excited for it was sure to be a wonderful party. The excitement of my birthday (which was only the previous day) had me in an especially festive spirit. My mom sat my brother and me down and told us, "Do you kids remember Caleb?" We both nodded, I felt a knot of concern growing in my stomach. "Well," she continued, "he was diagnosed with a brain tumor..." I thought I was going to puke, Caleb was only five. "The tumor is messing up his body, so he's gonna look...different, so don't stare or anything." At this point my mom and I were both tearing up. We grabbed the presents and got into the van.

I was numb with worry, if it was getting my Mom worked up like this, Caleb wasn't doing well. When we got out of the van, a wave of terror hit my stomach and threatened to spill over in the form of puke. I put on a fake, excited smile and opened the door.

I heard yells of greetings and hugged Mr. Andy, my adopted Grandpa (he's not actually related to me). Then, I saw Caleb and the brief moment of relief I had in Mr. Andy's embrace vanished; I almost broke down crying right on the spot. My heart skipped a beat, my hands got clammy, but I kept a smile plastered on my face. I remember my mother's words and looked away from him, but that image lingered in my mind. He was sitting on the floor playing with a toy fire truck. He was HUGE and couldn't move his mouth well, so he just moaned and yelled the whole time. He was like a swollen one year old. When he saw me, he said my name and reached his arms out towards me; my heart shattered like glass when I saw the look of joy in his face. I set the presents down and gave him a bear hug. I played with him for awhile, but then he started playing with his cousin, Bella. When I got up I felt like a wind-up toy, moving and functioning systematically until I could wind myself up again.

Even now, most of the night after that is a blur. I don't remember who I talked to, or what presents I got. I distinctly remember the look of wonderment on Caleb's face when we turned on all the yard decorations. I remember swelling like a balloon with happiness, pride, hope and sorrow when I saw him trying to walk and get a closer look at the decorations. I felt such pride when he took a liking to the reindeer Christen, Cody and I had taken two days to string. We left shortly after that.

I remember falling asleep that night thinking to myself, "Life is a precious gift and I never want to take it for granted ever again."

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Caleb is always in our hearts and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden