A "First" I wasn't expecting

This past weekend my nephew got married and Caden was asked to be the ring bearer for the ceremony. It was the first wedding I've been to in many years and the first one Caden had ever been to. It was such an honor for him to participate in such a beautiful ceremony.

Everything was going along okay, then BAM!! Out of nowhere the grief hit as I realized I would never have the opportunity to see Caleb stand in a wedding as a ring bearer, a groomsman, a best man, or a groom. The worst part is knowing that I will never see him get married. And the tears started.

From the day he was born, Richard and I began praying for his future wife. That she would be a woman who loved God first, then Caleb. That she would be raised by loving parents who would teach her what it means to follow God with all her heart. That she would be faithful to God and Caleb. That she would respect & love Caleb with all her being. That he would respect & love her and treat her like a princess.

And now none of that will happen.

Then I reminded myself that the day was not about me. It was about the bride and groom. It was their happy day and there was no way I was going to drag it down. So, I left the reception early. As I headed back to the house, I decided to stop and "drown my sorrows."

Oh, the healing wonders of a large Sonic Oreo Blast with extra Oreos!


Fortunately, Caden didn't have to witness my mini-breakdown. He had been spending time with his cousins and "Aunt Dar." They were having a sleep-over that night after the reception. The next day, she posted something so profound and true:

I had such a wonderful time with the kiddos this weekend. A joy to watch them play wide open.
But always, always never far was the knowledge that Caden's bother Caleb should be have been here with us. I could hear his laughter that should have been right alongside his brother and cousins he never met. A 4 year old should not have to tell new people who meet him and ask the innocent question "do you have any brothers & sisters?"

"Yes, I have a brother. He's in heaven."

It's been 2 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 4 days since Caleb died and I still haven't figured out how to answer the "how many children do you have?" (or if I'm with Caden, the "is he your only child?") question. I dread that question. Yet, Caden seems to have found the right answer for him.  

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

A Season of Change

The change in seasons officially began September 22. The warmth of the summer to be exchanged for the brisk air of fall. All of nature prepares itself for the harsh reality of the cold depths of winter.

I'm feeling kinda like that right now. My heart seems to shrink as I face a totally different kind of "season." From October through March, I feel like I'm living in a dark place that few things can penetrate, except the memories.

October. How I despise you now. You are a month-long reminder of the beginning of the end. For the next 5 1/2 months, I will walk through those days of pain over and over again. Each day, a memory of what was happening will surface, stab my heart and crush my mind until I can barely breathe, much less move. I will exist on auto-pilot because I have to.

October 10, 2013, marks exactly 3 years since Caleb was diagnosed with DIPG. A tumor the size of a walnut inside his brain stem. A death sentence.

I can still vividly recall almost every moment of that day. The sights. The sounds. The smells. My thoughts and actions. Caleb's actions.

My heart breaks a little more each morning that I wake up and Caleb's not here.

This past weekend we attended our second bereavement camp at Camp Sol. We met new families who have lost a child and reconnected with people and families we met last year. It is the one place I feel that I can really express my grief in any way I want to and the people there TRULY understand. We can cry, laugh, rage, and have fun (sometimes simultaneously) - without judgment. I love what Camp Sol does for grieving families. I love what Camp Sol represents - Healing.

When we arrived on Friday afternoon, one of the first things we saw near our cabin was a family of deer. It was breathtaking to be standing so close to them. They stayed there long enough for me to take a couple of pictures.

One of the first activities for the weekend was for each family to make a family flag to represent the family member they are there to remember. I started pulling together materials for the flag and hunted for the letters we would need to put on it. After I gathered all the letters together and arranged them on the flag, I looked down and noticed that I had not spelled Caleb's name, but Caden's. And my first tears of the weekend started. It upset me. I thought to myself, "What kind of mother forgets how to spell her child's name!? What else am I going to forget about Caleb?" Fortunately, a couple volunteers were nearby to help me calm down.

As the weekend progressed, the weather began to change. It was finally beginning to feel more like fall. We had a beautiful remembrance ceremony on Sunday morning in an outdoor chapel with a small stream flowing next to it. All the emotions of the weekend poured through that stream.

Camp Sol is a fantastic place for us to go. At the same time, I kinda dread going. It's held twice a year. Once in March (anniversary month of Caleb's death) and once in October (anniversary month of diagnosis). So, my emotions are already out of whack when I get there. But, I thank God that Camp Sol is available to us and there are people there to help me work through the emotions, especially all the intense emotions of the start of my third season of grief.

Hello, October. What do you have in store for me this year? Starting over in a new city?  Leaving my cell phone at a rest area? Yeah, I can handle that.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

Moving On

Richard's job has been relocated to a new city, and we are in the process of selling the only home our boys have ever known. We are moving away from a town that stood by us and gave us amazing strength during the most difficult time in our lives. No longer will I be able to drive to a certain spot and say to Caden, "Caleb liked to go here."

The reality of the move is finally sinking in. We are leaving people who held us close and allowed us to grieve openly. Gave a loving shoulder to lean on. Churches that prayed for us. People who love us. We will miss them all tremendously.

And so, we start another phase of "moving on" without Caleb.

Although we are saddened about moving away from the community we've come to love, we know we believe we are walking in God's plan for our lives. Everything has come together just when it needed to in just the right way. Our home in Little Elm was on the market for less than 4 days before we had a signed contract on it. The home we are looking at in our new area is under contract and is supposed to close 1 week after we sell the house in Little Elm. Richard is already in the new area getting familiar with his job location and responsibilities. Caden and I are counting the days and hours until we can join him there.

Please continue to pray for us through this time. Change is hard, but sometimes necessary for continued growth.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

First Day of School Blues

The majority of the schools in my area are starting again today. All day long today (and maybe even all week) will be posts about first day of school, what the kids are wearing, pictures in their cute clothes, how they like/dislike their teachers, etc. Because I have friends in several states, I've actually been seeing the back-to-school posts for almost a month already.

I understand the excitement, I really do. Although I am excited with Caden's accomplishments and starting the 4's class at pre-school next week, I can't help but think about Caleb. It's quite a bittersweet day for me.

As a bereaved mom, the first day of school is a reminder of what Caleb should be doing and isn't. He should be starting his first day of 3rd grade this year. Instead, he never got to finish Kindergarten. Because of how quickly the tumor progressed, he was only able to attend school for about seven weeks! He didn't get to experience a class party, a spring break, field day, or all the end of year craziness.

Caleb's First Day of School - August 23, 2010

He was so very excited to start school.

Totally worn out at the end of the day.

Richard and I were talking over the weekend how upsetting it is that Caleb's teachers didn't get a chance to see him at his best. He was so smart and capable of so much more than that tumor would let others see. It was already wreaking havoc in his little body by the time the first day of school started. He was struggling so hard to control his body and we didn't know. All the acting out, him not wanting me to leave his side at school, the frustration getting dressed in the mornings -- he was so scared and we didn't know.

We were very fortunate that Caleb's teachers cared and paid attention to him and to our concerns. We were already planning a trip to the doctor because of the concerns of the teachers. I was going to make a call first thing that Monday morning. He wound up in the ER the day before.

October 10, 2010. (10.10.10) A day I will NEVER forget. Our world was torn apart that day almost three years ago, and it hasn't stopped since. It abates at times, but the ache and the pain is ALWAYS there. So, please don't be surprised if my next few days are spent crying and avoiding social media.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

Happy 8th Birthday, Caleb

I was going to write a letter to Caleb for his birthday, but the thoughts just won't come out in any manner that makes any sense. So, I'll just say...


Happy 8th Birthday, Caleb!!

We love you so very much - to infinity and beyond.

We miss you more than ever.  

We'll send some balloons around 6:30 tonight.

Lord, please comfort us and help us not just survive another day but truly live.  Wrap Your arms around us and let us know You're near.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

I love listening to his sweet voice

Caleb's 8th birthday is tomorrow, and I've been missing him tremendously. I was moving some videos off the video camera and ran across the one of Caleb during his radiation treatments. It's one of the last videos I took of him. I can't seem to stop watching it. I LOVE listening to his sweet, little voice and seeing the goofy look on his face as the anesthesia starts to work. I laugh and cry at the same time.





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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

Caden's Inconsolable Over His Brother

As I'm finishing up some scrapbook pages of Caleb's final day, Caden walks in to see the pictures.

It has suddenly hit him that he will never see his brother again (until Heaven). He is crying uncontrollably and is totally inconsolable. He keeps saying, "I miss my brother. I want to be in Heaven with him now. My heart is so sad."

Lord, please comfort me as I comfort him and hold us both tightly.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden