My first Mother's Day without you

My sweet, sweet Caleb,

I love you so very much. It's been an emotional couple of days for a number of reasons. On Friday, I was interviewed by a local TV station about the blog & why I've kept it going even after you died. (here's the story)  Basically, it's good therapy for me. I get a chance to tell you how I'm feeling and doing, in words. Everyone else is just along for the ride. Hopefully, what I speak will help them. If not, that's okay too. I just want to be able to share with you what's going on with us in a way that I feel comfortable. Writing is comfortable for me.

Friday was also your biological mom's birthday. I'm grateful that we got a chance to tell you about D. and your half-siblings. I'm even more grateful that you were able to spend some time with her and one of your half-siblings before you died. I can't imagine what she must be feeling right now. I've lost you, but she's lost you twice. She is an incredible woman and I'm honored to have her as a part of my life.

Saturday, I took Caden out to Founder's Park by the airport as we waited for your dad to get back from Grandpa Bob's funeral in Florida. Caden was awed by the planes, just as you were when we waiting for Dawn & Connor in 2009. A plane would come in to land & Caden would holler, "Again, again!" I can still picture you saying the same thing. You'd run around with your arms spread wide pretending to be an airplane. We didn't get to stay long this time so I'm going to make plans to go out just for plane watching (and maybe a picnic lunch). I bet Braeden, Gillian & Garrison would love it too, so I'm going to ask Ms. Gwen to go with me.

The Saturday before Mother's Day is also becoming more widely known as Birth Mother's Day. It is to honor those women who chose life for their child, but, for whatever reason (by choice or not), placed that child in the arms of another woman to raise. I choose to honor publicly the two women who blessed me with you & Caden. After I posted a note about it on Facebook, I got the following message from S. & share it with her permission:

Angela, on this Mothers Day I have so many mixed emotions as im sure u do as well. There is one thing im sure of and one thing im able to find happiness from. Thats knowing that i chose the right family for the precious son i could not have raised. I know in my heart that there is no other family that could have loved Caden the way you do. Im so honered that he is your son and so greatful for you and richard. I pray for you all daily and hope that God continues to hold you strong. Your faith is unmeasurable and shows to all. I love you angela and from one mom to another...... Happy Mothers Day!

Thank you, D. & S. for allowing me the honor and privilege of loving & caring for Caleb & Caden.

Which leads me to today -- Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day without you by my side. It was definitely a bittersweet day. Your dad truly outdid himself this year. He made me cry first thing this morning before breakfast! But, it was in a good way. Remember when we had the pictures done back in August with your brother & I said I wished that daddy could have been with us? Well, he took one of those pictures &(with Ms. Gwen's help) had himself put into it so now it is a family portrait! It turned out great & I absolutely love it.

He also got me a Food Saver, which I've wanted for years. Your brother decorated a tote bag for me at ELC that says, "Hands down best mom in town." It has his little handprints on it. It reminded me of the one you did a couple years ago when you were still at ELC. I bought myself a small gift from you. It's a butterfly necklace. I think it is something you would have picked out if you'd had the chance.

After church this morning, Ms. Cosette came up to me with a gift bag. Inside was a picture she had taken of you & me about 3 years ago. She'd had it enlarged & framed it with a little plaque that says, "My Little Angel" on it. That had me crying again.

We went to Taco Bell for lunch. I know it's not the typical Mother's Day restaurant, but your dad first proposed to me at a Taco Bell, so it's one of those sentimental things. Besides, there wasn't a line out the door there like most other places. Also, Daddy promised to grill me a steak for dinner & I'd rather have one of his grilled steaks than eat out anywhere else. So, when we left Taco Bell, we went to Albertson's to pick up the steaks. While there, I saw the most scrumptious looking white-chocolate covered strawberries. We picked those up for dessert.

After we got home, Caden & I both took naps while Daddy watched the Mavs game. Go Mavericks! One step closer to the championship round. When Caden woke up from his nap, he started playing with Daddy's iPad (or as Caden says, "my hipad") while we finished watching the game. After a few minutes playing games, he found his way to YouTube & pulled up the video from your Celebration Service. The tears started again. I just couldn't handle watching or listening to it today, so I left the room.  It's not that I don't want to see it. It's just that I hurt so badly from missing you & I didn't want to spend all evening weeping. Besides, when Caden watches it, he tends to watch it over & over & over. I'd bet that over 100 of the views on YouTube are just from your brother! He misses you so much. We all do.

Caleb, you are loved more than we could ever express. You are missed that much & more. I never stop thinking about you & wonder what you're experiencing now. I know that Jesus is holding me close to help me through this. Would you please give Him a hug from me since I can't physically do it right now?

I love you,
Mommy