Back to School Again

This year, back to school posts are a bit harder to handle than ones in the past. I see all the wonderful pics of kids starting high school. I smile a little and I also cry little. I should have a freshman this year. Caleb should be turning 14 in less than a week. I’m in a contemplative mood and wondering about things.

I wonder if he would still be playing football. Would we have spent a good portion of the summer at football practices twice a day? Would we be waking earlier than others to get him to football practice in the mornings? What position would he be playing? I remember that his coaches said he was fast, so I imagine him as a wide receiver since his jersey number was 89.

What electives would he have chosen this year? Would he be in choir, like I was? He loved to sing and was pretty good at it, too. Would he have chosen band? What instrument would he have been best at? I picture him in my mind with a trumpet or sax. He would probably take Spanish as an elective since he was in the dual-language program before he was diagnosed. I’m guessing he would have been extremely fluent in Spanish (reading, writing, and speaking) by this time. Hell, he’d probably be helping me learn Spanish, too! Would he join ROTC?

What would his grades be like? Would he be an honor roll student like Caden? Would he be struggling in any area? Would he have that natural ability to learn so he wouldn’t have to study for hours before a test?

Would he have a girlfriend yet? I imagine he would. He loved to tell people he was “All about the girls.” And all the girls seemed to love being around him. If we were still living in Little Elm, I could totally picture him dating Shelby. He was so enamored with her in pre-school.

Even with all my pondering, I still am unable to picture what he would look like. Caden’s looks have changed so much since kindergarten that he hardly seems like the same little boy. But, Caleb still has that kindergarten smile in my mind. I wonder how much deeper his voice would sound, but all I can hear in my head is “Mommy, I love you!” said in the sweet sing-song voice of a 4-year old. Or the quick, “Hi, Mom!” in the hurried voice of a 5-year old dashing around a corner while getting ready to have another radiation treatment.

Then reality sets in again, and I am only sending one child off to school this year. My handsome 10-year old is in 5th grade this year. He came home from school on the first day and declared, “I hate school!” It was a different start than he was used to. The second day, he said, “Ignore what I said yesterday. Both of my teachers are great.” It’s taken him a couple of days to adjust, but he seems to be doing better. We’re settling into a good rhythm.

I still miss him so much. However, he isn’t on my mind constantly like he used to be. Now, it’s just random moments that often catch me by surprise. A license plate with his initials. A gold balloon floating in the sky. A rainbow. A butterfly fluttering by. Back to school posts. And, most of the time when it happens, I smile.

#CalebIsMyHero #DIPGsucks #ihatecancer #backtoschool #classof2023 #classof2027