What's in a moment?

What is 2043 days, 1 hour, and 54 minutes? It can also be represented as 5 years, 7 months, 5 days, 1 hour, and 54 minutes.

Some people would think that is a long time. Others, not quite so long. To some, it is just a blink in light of the time we will spend in eternity. For our son, it represents his entire lifetime. A lifetime cut short because of cancer.

3 Years

I've been doing a lot of remembering today. I'm enjoying "most" of the memories. As I look through pictures of Caleb's earlier years, I laugh at some of my favorite pictures of him. The pics from his last 6 months are the hard ones to see. He changed so very much during that time because of the steroids that it hardly seems possible that it was the same little boy.

Today...

Three years ago yesterday....

• Caleb spent his last day in the sun. He practiced throwing a baseball in preparation for opening day of baseball. He played with sidewalk chalk with Caden. It was a great day.

Just an ordinary drive, until...

I picked Caden up from pre-school today and was taking him to get a haircut. Just an ordinary drive, until...

Me: Hey, Caden! Yellow truck!
Caden: Mom, you're not playing the game right. Yellow trucks don't count. Those were Caleb's rules and he's dead now, so I get to make the rules.

(Way to go, son. Just drive that knife deeper into my heart and twist it around a few times. You didn't mean to make me cry. You were just stating a fact - Caleb is dead. How could either of us know that grief would choose that moment to rear it's ugly head and cause me to lose control?)

Me: Oh?! Just because your brother is dead, should we stop playing things he liked? Should we get rid of things that were his? Okay, we won't ever play the "Yellow Game" again. Then, let's get rid of Super Mario Brothers, Star Wars, Super Mario Galaxy, and Super Mario Cart because they were all Caleb's, too. Then we'll get rid of Candy Land, Chutes & Ladders and Mouse Trap along with all the books in your room that were his. Oh, then there's half the toys that are in your room. They were his, too. Is that what you want? Should we just get rid of everything that reminds us of your brother. Because I can't do that. And it really hurt my feelings that you would even say something like that to me.
Caden: No, Mom! That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I don't want to get rid of those things. I don't want to get rid of anybody's things.

(Yep, I lost it. Totally lost it. Took out my grief on my 5-year old son. Caden didn't deserve any of it.)

Caden, how could you possibly know that it's all I can do to get through each day this month without breaking down in a pile of tears. How could you know how much it tears me apart when you come out of your room at night saying, "Mom, I miss my brother." There's no way you can understand how much it hurts that you even know about death so early in your life. You're only five years old. You weren't quite even 2 1/2 when Caleb died.

I never know when grief will strike. I never know HOW grief will strike. The most mundane thing can be taking place. Then, BAM! "Hi! I'm Grief! Just wanted to make sure you haven't forgotten me. I'm still here!"

These next couple of weeks will surely take their toll as we approach March 25th. For those who say, "This, too, shall pass," I say, "Not bloody well likely." We'll never stop grieving Caleb. Our grief may change as the years continue to pass, but it will likely always be here. Hiding in the background. Waiting for the most inopportune moment to slam us to the ground again. It doesn't get easier. We just learn how to cope with it better.

Oh, and after we got home, I did apologize to Caden for what I said and how I acted. And, sweet little boy that he is, apologized to me, again, for making me cry. We then held each other and cried together. Then Caden said the most profound thing to me and I just know that he means it to the very depths of his soul.

"Mom, you know that when we die, we'll get to go to Heaven and Caleb will be right there waiting for us, right next to Jesus."

And with that simple comment, peace came over me again. Thank you, God, for giving this special little boy to us.

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

Pitter Patter Little Feet

When we bought our new house back in November, one of the things I knew I would someday hear would be the sound of running all across the upstairs as Caden had friends over to play. Well, it hasn't taken long. Our neighbor's grandson and Caden have become friends and when "T" is visiting, there is the constant sound of running throughout the house. Forget the pitter patter of little feet. This is the sound of full-out running little boy feet. Upstairs. Downstairs. Inside. Outside. Upstairs. Downstairs. Inside. Outside. Over and over it repeats.

Mostly, I smile as it happens. I've had a few moments where the sound is hard to handle, but only because I am once again reminded that I should have been hearing that sound every single day. Caleb and Caden should have been doing that together for a couple years now.

I never fully realize the extent of how much Caden is missing his brother until his friend has to leave at the end of the day, and Caden begins to cry. He says he's afraid he will never see his friend again and won't have anyone to play with any longer since Caleb is gone, too. It's hard to get him to understand that "T" will come back again another day. It may be a while, but he will come back.

And, when he does, the pitter patter pounding of little feet will begin anew. 

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden

Obsessed

When we were at our bereavement camp at Camp Sol in October 2013, Caden decided he wanted to learn how to scrapbook and have his very own scrapbook. So, we picked him out one and brought it home with us. Now that we've gotten settled into the house, I'm starting to teach Caden to scrapbook. I told him the hardest two parts of scrapping are picking the pictures to scrap and the paper to put them on. We start looking though some extra shots I had made of Caleb fighting Darth Vader for him to start with.

A "First" I wasn't expecting

This past weekend my nephew got married and Caden was asked to be the ring bearer for the ceremony. It was the first wedding I've been to in many years and the first one Caden had ever been to. It was such an honor for him to participate in such a beautiful ceremony.

Everything was going along okay, then BAM!! Out of nowhere the grief hit as I realized I would never have the opportunity to see Caleb stand in a wedding as a ring bearer, a groomsman, a best man, or a groom. The worst part is knowing that I will never see him get married. And the tears started.

From the day he was born, Richard and I began praying for his future wife. That she would be a woman who loved God first, then Caleb. That she would be raised by loving parents who would teach her what it means to follow God with all her heart. That she would be faithful to God and Caleb. That she would respect & love Caleb with all her being. That he would respect & love her and treat her like a princess.

And now none of that will happen.

Then I reminded myself that the day was not about me. It was about the bride and groom. It was their happy day and there was no way I was going to drag it down. So, I left the reception early. As I headed back to the house, I decided to stop and "drown my sorrows."

Oh, the healing wonders of a large Sonic Oreo Blast with extra Oreos!


Fortunately, Caden didn't have to witness my mini-breakdown. He had been spending time with his cousins and "Aunt Dar." They were having a sleep-over that night after the reception. The next day, she posted something so profound and true:

I had such a wonderful time with the kiddos this weekend. A joy to watch them play wide open.
But always, always never far was the knowledge that Caden's bother Caleb should be have been here with us. I could hear his laughter that should have been right alongside his brother and cousins he never met. A 4 year old should not have to tell new people who meet him and ask the innocent question "do you have any brothers & sisters?"

"Yes, I have a brother. He's in heaven."

It's been 2 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 4 days since Caleb died and I still haven't figured out how to answer the "how many children do you have?" (or if I'm with Caden, the "is he your only child?") question. I dread that question. Yet, Caden seems to have found the right answer for him.  

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We still miss Caleb every moment of every day. He is always in our hearts, always in our thoughts, and is loved today, tomorrow, in ALL ways to infinity and beyond.

Angel, Richard & Caden